After years of genetic engineering experiments, scientists have perfected a cow whose meat is so depressingly bland that it has been approved for consumption by the Vegan Society. Their company is now considering starting a “quasi-vegetarian McDonald’s” chain of restaurants with an ad campaign showing bearded and sandalled diners declaring “I can’t believe it’s not Quorn”.
The project took years of DNA splicing to reach the stage where the bovines have shed all their meat-like qualities and can be cut into steaks with a carrot slicer.
Project leader Dr Stan Varley says the new cow marks a milestone in dietary harmony which brings the meat and vegetable communities closer together, and could save marriages where one spouse is a vegetarian and the other a carnivore. ‘People who balk at the thought of eating meat have nothing to fear’, he assured potential customers at a press conference today. ‘This animal is practically a cabbage with legs’.
Corporate backers are enthusiastic about the exciting new mutant, saying the tastiness of meat was what was putting off a lot of vegetarians. ‘But purveyors of lentils and tofu will find it hard to compete with a burger that tastes like wet cardboard,’ says one approving investor.
Meanwhile, lifelong vegetarian Ron Campbell says he’s keeping an open mind about this new development. ‘I was very sceptical at first,’ he admits. ‘But then I saw the ad for their sausages – offal that tastes like broccoli, only worse. I thought I just might be willing to give that a try’.