Theresa May’s Workout Schedule, with apologies to Mark Wahlberg


2:30 a.m. wake up (screaming)

2:45 a.m. pray (for a comet to obliterate Earth before Brexit)

3:15 a.m. breakfast — “I start out with steel oats, peanut butter, blueberries and eggs for breakfast,” May says. “Then I break down and cry”.

3:40 to 5:15 a.m. dance work out

5:30 a.m.: post-workout meal
6:00 Cryotherapy. (Mrs May appears to have misunderstood cryotherapy, and spends an hour each morning sobbing. Ironically, the cryogenically-preserved corpse of Margaret Thatcher is stored in a crypt deep below Downing Street, waiting for the moment of Britain’s greatest peril so that she can rise again and, erm, close some more mines. Doubly ironic, then, that the corpse will need a miner to retrieve it. Good luck with that, Margaret).

7:00 – 23:00 Staring into the middle distance, fantasising about working as a checkout assistant. Today it’s Tesco, though the fantasy varies from day to day

23:00 Bed. Three and a half hours of blissful peace

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Posted: Oct 8th, 2018 by

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