A Vodafone user has been unable to ditch his girlfriend because his signal is total wank, it has emerged.
Mobile phone owner and horny first-year student, Sean Wilson, has been trying to phone partner, Sophie Goodier, 20, for a number of weeks to tell her that their long-distance relationship has run its course.
In his urge to ditch Sophie, silver-tongued lothario, Wilson, contacted Vodafone to inform them that he couldn’t get any signal at his home, but after waiting three hours for an answer, was told he needs to fork out seventy quid for a signal booster.
“Of course I could send her an email, but that seems a little harsh considering that I have almost certainly given her a sexually transmitted disease.”
“I merely wanted to contact Sophie directly to tell her that it’s been fun, but that I’ve changed as a person, and that she should get the full range of sexual health tests carried out at the nearest available clinic as soon as is physically possible.”
“And, yes, sadly that does include antibiotic-resistant gonorrhoea.”
“However, due to Vodafone’s pitiful coverage, I only got as far as ‘itchy rash accompanied by a painful discharge’ when the line started to break up.”
Wilson now feels trapped both in his relationship with Vodafone and with his soon-to-be-ex and blames Martin Freeman’s considerable acting skills for his present dilemma.
“If it hadn’t been for the Vodafone ad featuring that bloke out of The Office, which gave me the false impression that I could change my network provider at any time, I wouldn’t be stuck in a loveless relationship and swallowing pills that may ultimately prove to be useless.”
Ms Goodier, also a Vodafone subscriber, added:
“I’ve been plucking up the courage to text Simon with the news that I’m shagging his best mate, but I’ve run out of data.”