Government counts ‘pocket money’ towards school funding

Education Secretary Damian Hinds on stage at the Conservative Party annual conference at the International Convention Centre, Birmingham.

The UK Statistics Authority has discovered that not only has the Conservative Party included private tuition and university loans in their calculation of record funding levels for schools, but have also added in birthday money and anything obtained from the tooth fairy. Controversially the funding calculation also includes the sum value of a child’s harvested organs – in the event of a Hard Brexit.

An Education spokeswoman admitted: ‘In real terms, funding per child has dropped to five pence but if you include the revenue from North Sea oil, Amazon’s owed taxes, the loose change found in Simon Cowell’s sofa, plus flogging Arthur’s Excalibur and every communion chalice in the Church of England on eBay – the total stands at $48m a student’.

This means that the average school child will be expected to hold down three paper-rounds and a job in the city, in order to subsidize the scale of the Government’s lie. Even a £2 profit from any bake-sale will counted as an increase in teacher wages – almost doubling them.

The spokeswoman said: ‘This is a great way to improve our statistics. Employment is up – if we get rid of the letters U & N. Homelessness to down – if we call them rough-renters. Windrush deportations are just enforced holidays. And prisons don’t need more funding if everyone is just zonked out and suicidal on Spice anyway. Maybe the officers could try it too.  Basically, support for Theresa May is at an all-time high – if you ignore all days ending with a Y. Who needs maths anyway?’

Wrenfoe, Hat-tip to A.L. Shaw

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Posted: Oct 11th, 2018 by

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