PMQs to be multiple choice and answered from a lakeside café in Italy

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fter clashing with Labour leader Jeremy Corbyn and feeling under pressure to solve self-inflicted political problems, Prime Minister Theresa May has decided that from now on PMQs will be in a multiple choice format and she will answer them from a quaint café on the banks of Lake Garda.

In an interview the PM explained, “This first PMQs after summer recess was awful. Wretched opposition ministers were standing and clapping along whilst shouting, ‘Dance! Dance! Dance!’ at me, like a pack of deranged socialist sea lions.”

“As Prime Minister it is my duty to serve the country in a competent fashion, relaying strong and stable statistics to the House about stuff is part of that. So why Jeremy Corbyn insisted on asking questions about austerity, I don’t know. I’ve clearly stated in interviews and speeches that austerity is over. Over, means over.”

When asked about the break with PMQ parliamentary tradition, the PM responded: “I’m sure the great British taxpayer would expect me to be calm, taking afternoon tea whilst absorbing a serene vista during PMQs, instead of gazing across the House and noticing the Member for Neanderthal Central’s mottled buttocks in my eyeline with the word ‘Resign’ emblazoned across them.”

A copy of a draft PMQ multiple choice answer sheet has been obtained indicating there would be over 20 possible responses from the PM to each question. Examples are:
‘We’re putting record levels of funding into it’
‘The figures represent a year-on-year rise in living standards, in real terms.’
‘It’s a legacy from when the opposition were last in power’
‘That would be a constituency matter’
‘(insert topic), means (insert topic)’
‘Talk to the hand!’
‘With the greatest respect, is the minister drunk in charge of an opinion?’
‘You’ve never had it so good.’
‘Mr. Speaker! Could you remind the Right Honourable member that questions of this complexity and magnitude should really only be asked by somebody with the capacity to fully comprehend the answer.’

The PM concluded, “And I’ll have no more grumblings about Brexit. I’m sick to the back teeth of Brexit twaddle, I want to get back to the serious business of governing this great island nation. And as far as TV debates go; I know a lovely place in Italy.”

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Posted: Oct 11th, 2018 by

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