Theresa May has announced that some obscure MP who you really don’t need to bother looking up is to be its first Minister for National Suicide Prevention. The appointment was revealed to coincide with World Mental Health Day, which everyone agreed was really quite appropriate in a country that is apparently determined to kill itself.
‘National suicide is a growing problem,’ said Mrs May. ‘In 2016, no fewer than 17.8 million British people decided they wanted to take their own country’s life. We want to bring an end the stigma that has forced so many people to suffer in silence – well all right, not silence. National suicide doesn’t just affect the people involved directly, it affects everyone, especially their grandchildren.’
According to campaigners, the national suicide problem has grown out of control, particularly among the elderly and others who ‘don’t like darkies’. Many British people are now irrationally determined to bring the UK’s life to an end for no better reason than the colour of a passport they will be unable to afford to use or the chance to eat spam fritters like they would have done in the war, if they had been born ten years earlier.
‘We are determined to bring the rate of national suicide down,’ added Mrs May. ‘That’s why I am tasking [insert name here] to head this new department. Plus, with the Brexit dividend we can add to our budget next year, I anticipate being able to offer the Samaritans a further £10 million to continue their … why are you all looking at me like that?’
Dismissing the announcement as ‘a cheap political stunt’, Labour’s Chuka Umunna said: ‘It’s not a Minister for National Suicide Prevention we need, it’s a proper strategy to tackle Career Suicide. Like the kind we committed when we elected Corbyn leader, for example.’