For as little as 20p patients will soon be able to shove their head, limb, or genitals into a hole and have a vending machine assess a range of medical conditions.
In a bold move to address the crisis in GP services, the government has announced a multi-million pound investment in diagnostic vending machines. ‘Kwik-Sick’ machines will be placed in workplace canteens and train stations across the UK.
Modelled on popular coffee and snack vendors, the new machines will have a series of holes into which customers can stick a body part for an instant diagnosis of flu, piles, or brain tumour. Holes will come in a range of sizes and will be set at different heights to accommodate a diverse patient population. Having stuck your body part into a hole the vending machine will then print out a diagnosis. If the machine fails to print out, it will need to be kicked and thumped repeatedly.
The government believes Kwik-Sick is a cost-effective alternative to GPs because each one contains an underpaid and poorly trained ‘diagnostic advisor’ who crouches inside and examines body parts as they are poked through. In a further innovation, prospective patients will first need to input their basic details into a gatekeeping vending machine which will announce that ‘The GP vending machine will allow you to access it next Thursday week at 9:30am.’.
GPs have reacted in a typically Luddite fashion and condemned the new service outright. They point out that children with saucepans stuck on their heads could receive electric shocks. However, the Health Minister has expressed his full confidence in the new technology and its preferred supplier, Bodyparts International Plc.
Myke, Hat-tip Titus