Colonial throwback and prince among thieves Jacob Rees-Mogg has suggested that any Brexit border issues can so easily be resolved if every nation state within the European Union would simply agree to become part of the recently renamed United Kingdom of Great Britain and North-East Somerset.
‘Those Euro-bullies really must learn how to compromise. The sensible solution is for them to forget about whatever sovereignty they think they have left and just accept that Judaeo-Christian geopolitics have always been on England’s side,’ said Rees-Mogg, while simultaneously relieving a semi-conscious stoat of its winter coat.
‘Clearly it would be in all of Europe’s best interest to have ever closer union with our great kingdom. They would then gain all of the advantages enjoyed by the British subjects in our Irish colony, and hopefully with only half of the troubles – although without the need to pay that frightful Arlene Foster baggage a billion pounds. Really, it is high time that the DUP entered the 18th century like the rest of us.’
‘And because this idea is all mine, it is only reasonable that I should be made first monarch of the European Kingdom, as appointed by God and anointed by the Pope, naturally,’ explained the mutant offspring of Bertie Wooster and Olive from On the Buses. ‘I already have my own ermine, if that would help to speed things along?’
When asked if his wife Helena is willing to be his Queen of Europe, Mr Rees-Mogg revealed that he may have to reign alone. ‘Sadly, since our restorative visit to Bath & Wells on Saint Swithin’s Day, I suspect that some Anglican sorcery has endowed my wife with a supernatural power to float in water. If she survives the ducking stool, then I cannot reasonably ask Rome to grant an annulment, so burning or beheading her are the only rational options. And amen to that, eh fellows?’