Cosmonauts Nick Hague and Alexey Ovchinin have been slated for recklessly abandoning the security of their Soyuz launch rocket after a minor incident and heading off in an unknown direction, with no clear plan of which country or countries they might have to deal with. After negotiations that dragged on for nearly two microseconds, they left the security and stability of the massive launch vehicle and hurtled off on their own.
‘It was madness,’ said one ‘expert’. ‘It will leave them far worse off, as they won’t get paid any overtime if they are no longer on the mission. We must assume that they were just dumb racists, who didn’t want to risk meeting alien beings if they had ever reached space. Or that they had been brainwashed by a slogan written on the side of one of the launch site’s ground transport vehicles, claiming that more medical resources would be available to them if they were to remain Earthbound.’