The Duke and Duchess of Sussex’s unborn baby has been universally hailed by they world’s press as a ‘gestation-stage royal fit for the modern age’. The prenatal organism has been particularly praised for its skilful handling of the difficult move from pre- to post-embryonic stages while in the full glare of the world’s media, and for bringing the image of unborn royals up-to-date while avoiding the pitfalls of divorce, extramarital affairs and appearing on celebrity game shows and despite not yet having a verifiable gender.
The seventh in line to the British throne is expected to have angelic eyes and skin as soft as kittens, while reports say that it already emitting the fragrance of freshly cut grass. It is now thought that many of the world’s most intractable conflicts will likely resolve themselves as humanity becomes unified in awe at the incumbent prince or princess of hearts, while ethnic tensions will become a thing of the past due to its remarkable ability to be mixed-race.
Plans for the birth are already being discussed, with the royal tot’s journey down the birth canal to the royal labia expected to be accompanied by minute-by-minute commentary by David Dimbleby and music by Elton John. In the event of a water birth, its arrival will be met with a flotilla of miniature ships traversing the royal birthing pool, attended to by the Queen herself. Celebrities and dignitaries have congratulated the Duke and Duchess on their happy news, with even David Icke moved to send the couple a ‘good luck with the hatching of the royal egg’ message.
One fan camped outside Windsor Castle told us: ‘I thought my children were lovely, but how wrong I was! Markle and the Ginger Stallion have raised the bar, and they are now middling at best. I actively resent their freakish, contorted appearances. That any human coupling, let alone, ‘you know’, could spawn a creature of such perfection will be a mystery of the age.’