If you want to be brutally murdered in the Saudi embassy in Paris, you may have to wait seven hours. In Berlin, those who wish to be quietly and tragically assassinated in the Saudi Embassy there may face overnight delays. In Rome, a small encampment of people waiting to be mysteriously dispatched has grown. It includes tents, makeshift showers and a food concession, for those who have been waiting three days or more for the service.
One veteran queuer in London said: ‘I’ve queued for a new Apple iPhone, Wimbledon and Barry Manilow concerts but this queue is ultimate. I can’t wait to get inside the reputedly ostentatious embassy here in Kensington to see what all the fuss is about.’ Now the UN has stepped in to say the Saudis must speed up the progress of mysterious embassy slayings, warning that people in the lengthening lines might resort to killing each other in the streets of the world capitals, defeating the purpose of being there and causing street sanitation challenges in smart areas of world cities.
A spokesperson – oh, all right, spokesman – for the Kingdom apologised, saying the reservation system for consular beheading, shooting and poisoning was suffering teething problems, and those without reservations should stay at home until invited by text message to be slaughtered by hit squads flown in to carry out the homicides. One problem is dealing with the after-effects of the vicious killings, with clean-up teams and decorators working round the clock to restore embassies to their original oil-funded opulence before the next victim faces faceless swordsmen, firing squads or sinister figures brandishing syringes.
The Kingdom is at pains to point out that the crisis does not affect those attending embassies to secure visas for entry into the country, but warned vis applicants to take care to get into the correct line. President Trump announced yesterday he will be looking in to the murders to see whether lessons could be learned by the US Immigration Department. He applauded the Saudi diplomatic community’s efforts to increase efficiency, offering the country what he called ‘a range of personal security hardware at attractively reduced rates’ to help deal with the problem and speed up the increasingly popular killings.