Guardian columnist Owen Jones is set to be unveiled as the new James Bond in a surprise move from the franchise. ‘It was something of a surprise for us too,’ admitted Barbara Broccoli of EON Productions. ‘We had been in detailed negotiations with James Madden. However we received a Twitter PM from Jones saying that he had already ‘self-identified’ for the role, so that was that really.’
A lengthy discussion is underway between EON and Jones’s agents to thrash out the nature of this latest incarnation of the beloved spy. According to insiders, Shadow Home Secretary Diane Abbott is odds-on favourite to take on the role of M from Judi Dench. ‘She showed just the right amount of affected superiority,’ commented one anonymous source. ‘Though I’m not sure she was actually acting. Anyway, it was that or have her coming out of the sea in a bikini.’
‘We’re really hoping that Jones will usher in a more millennial, woke, incarnation of a much beloved former playboy-spy,’ remarked Ian Mountford of Universal Pictures. ‘Jones may not be the obvious archetype for an action hero, but he has hidden talents. His reflexes are razor sharp – we were amazed by his 180 degree about-turn over Jeremy Corbyn’s electability on election night. We had to slow the film down several times to see it clearly enough.’
Rumours had started to circulate after Jones had published a series of tweets hinting at his new role: “The name’s Jones, Owen Jones, licence to pontificate” and “No Mr Blair, I expect you to stand trial in the International Criminal Court”. Although no suitable Fleming books have been found for the first Jones-helmed Bond movie, a number of ‘loose adaptations’ have been touted, including ‘Thunderflounce’, ‘The Spy Who Blocked Me On Twitter’ and ‘Muckraker’, where Bond destroys the underground headquarters of the sinister ‘MSM’ organisation, with a scathing anti-centrist editorial.
‘We’ll certainly have to make some concessions to the usual Bond tropes for Mr Jones,’ admitted director Cary Fukunaga. ‘He came into the first production meeting with a T- shirt saying ‘Sinister intruders with a cod-Soviet accent welcome here,’ so he’s clearly not up for garrotting them with his wristwatch. However he’s got some pretty good double entendres ready. We particularly liked “I usually only swing wildly to the left, but in your case, I’m prepared to make an exception”.’