After a tense meeting where no Brexit breakthrough was made, where plans to extend the UK’s transition period are at odds with MPs at home, Prime Minister Theresa May has expressed a deep-seated wish to ‘go home’, according to an a member of the Brexit negotiating team who found her sitting on a fire escape in the EU summit building in Brussels and swigging from a hip flask.
‘Theresa looked tired and I asked her if she was OK,’ said the official, who wishes to remain anonymous. ‘She sighed, lit a cigar and said: “What is a Brexit, Dominic? It isn’t even a real word. I know Brexit means Brexit. But I don’t know what the first Brexit means never mind the second. And what’s a backstop? A field position in hockey or something a plumber uses, for all I know”.’
Mrs May went on to confess that she simply does not have the answer to Brexit. ‘She told me “Olly Robbins says he knows the answer but he’s in talks with Netflix about turning the whole Article 50 thing into a twelve-part docudrama, with Eddie Redmayne playing me”. By now, I was staring at my shoes and wishing I had taken up that dinner invite from the Luxembourg trade commission.’
The PM continued: ‘I had a dream last night that I was happily running through a field of wheat with my dog Toto when I noticed words forming on the groundhog and they all said “Brexit”. Then the ground started to fracture between my feet, and the more ground I tried to gain to avoid the fracture the more my heels were digging in. Then the sound of a noisy combine harvester began to chase me driven by Corbyn of the East, and the sheaves of wheat turned into everyone in the UK, with Boris and Jacob laughing, then Toto turned into Totony Blair and he was leaping about, barking, “What about me? What about me?”.’
The anonymous negotiator added: ‘At this point the PM told me to give Brexit to the boffins at Bletchley Park, or take it to a charity shop. She then closed her eyes, clicked her heels together and said, “There’s no place like Home Office,’ three times. I’m not sure if her wish was granted, though as a group of party officials came and asked her to step aside because she’d been blocking the exit.’