Thomas Falk, CEO of Kleenex, has moved to dampen the controversy over the company’s decision to rename ‘Mansize’ Tissues to ‘Extra Large’ by reassuring customers that they remain suitable for any men who want to use them for a desperate bout of lonely masturbation in their single beds.
‘We understand that there are some who care very deeply about this issue,’ said Falk. ‘Please be assured: Kleenex would never leave its customers without something capable of absorbing 20 cc of gelatinous man-juice as you pull yourself off before you cry yourself to sleep, wondering why women will never go out on more than two dates with you.’
However, long-time Kleenex user and even longer-time celibate Mike Carlton said: ‘Without being told whether these tissues are for men or women, how am I supposed to know if I can use them for a late night Sherman in my cold, lonely flat? I bet it’s the same man-hating feminists that have banned Mansize tissues that wouldn’t have sex with me in the first place.’