GUIDE: How to fill that Royal Wedding void?

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Understandably the entire UK is at loss for what to do, now that the Royal Wedding is over, all the cake has been sold on EBay and every forelock has been tugged. Sadly, Daily Express journalists now have forty pages to fill, with something other than photographs of hats or sex scandals involving the bride’s parents.

Remarked one loyal subject: ‘Oh, what’s the point anymore? I just sit staring at the wall, wearing my biodegradable emergency rain poncho. I’ve got seventy three metres of bunting and nothing to do. Brexit? What’s that?’. Top suggestions to keep boredom at bay include:

• Create a replica bridge and groom using foie gras and scented napkins.
• Why not discover if any of the 850 private guests were from your pub darts team?
• Why not stand around all day hoping to catch a glimpse of something useful, like a bus?
• Try to find a posher sounding name than Eugenie Brooksbank
• If you’re a national newscaster then why not spend some time practicing your nauseatingly sycophantic gurning grin in time for Harry & Meghan’s nipper.
• Why not set up a tent outside Buckingham Palace to stake your front row place for the next inconsequential tax payer funded piece of pointless pageantry.
• Ask yourself why Robbie Williams keeps getting invited to weddings?
• Why not visit a landfill site and find out what happened to all of Windsor’s homeless people?
• Find out if the £4m spent by the Thames Valley Police and £2m by the local council, could have been better spent on bouncy castle?
• Why not have a nice hot drink from your commemorative mug, on its commemorative saucer, using a tea bag commemorating 100 years of brutal British colonialism?
• Why not put your commemorative shotgun in your mouth and pull the trigger?

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Posted: Oct 22nd, 2018 by

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