Chicago police are currently investigating a crop of kidnappings and murders of people in the federal witness protection scheme. The connection between the victims has been traced to the sale of protection scheme data to a number of web marketing companies and organised crime syndicates.
At a press conference, Detective Harry Thomas of the Chicago PD said; ‘It seems that the sale of ‘classified WPS client details’ on e-bay was a breach of the data protection rules and the perpetrators will be taken out and given a good talking to while e-bay will be fined $400 million for allowing the sale of government property.’ We are also investigating the sale of ‘spare federal nuclear bomb production facilities’ to a Mr Ahmadinejad of 35 Mercia Drive, Tehran and the export of ‘an indiscriminate lack of giving a fuck about anybody else’ to a surprisingly large number of organisations around the world. These ‘controlled items’ seem to have been sold through the same internet site.
Fergus Arthur Kename who is under the witness protection scheme said, ‘I first became suspicious that my details had been sold on when I got repeated e-mails from an internet spam site advertising concrete boots. A few days later I got a delivery of a horse’s head via UPS only to find out that my credit card had been debited $4000 to pay for this unwanted gift. After the head arrived, my wife left with the kids for her mothers. I know they are still safe as last week they sent me a very funny picture of the lot of them tied up with a demand for $500,000 badly written in random newspaper print beside them. They are all such jokers so I sent back a picture of a cheque. The WPS have apparently moved them onto a secure underground location now in a place called Morgue, which sounds very French.’
The WPS were surprisingly open about their gaffe; ‘As the US government is bit short on cash and we have to make our departments pay, it seemed like a good use of the data that we had on our systems. We also try to make the witness protection scheme customers blend into normal society and getting them sent everyday e-mail spam is part of that camouflage, but I freely admit that selling the customer list to Mafia Permanent Solutions Inc, was probably a bad idea’, admitted senior Federal Agent John Scully. ‘On the positive side, the list of active complainants is dying off quite rapidly.’