Defence Secretary and St Custard’s schoolboy, Gavin Williamson, will spend hard won Budget concessions for military funding on a huge inflatable sign that says ‘go away and shut up’, it has been revealed.
A defence review written by Williamson himself identified a limited arsenal of military grade neon flashing ‘shut up & go away’ signs in combat readiness that puts the UK at significant disadvantage.
‘I defended Brittun by showting GO AWAY AND SHUT UP at bad peeple. Then I bilt a sign but there is not enuff signs’ says the report.
Decoy, inflatable photolumonescent signs would cover the hole in the UK’s defences, being indistinguishable from the original devices, according to the report’s recommendations: ‘The enemy think they is the reel signs and go away and shut up, but they is jist glo-in-the-dark balloons.’
The report identifies potential language barrier based limits in the defence system, and a translation solution for which Williams is now seeking extra funding in conjunction with tried and tested fixes.
‘If the bad peeple dont speek Inglish they wont no to go away and shut up so I want munny to put it in all the other langwiches altho daddy sez I dusn’t need to cuz wen he speeks to foreners he speeks Inglish jist sloly and more lowder’.