The people of Britain have pleaded with David Cameron to put his political comeback on the back-burner and instead take up a nice quiet hobby that won’t leave the country completely f**ked. The former Prime Minister had told friends that he was considering a return to the front benches now that Brexit was almost settled and everyone was getting along so well.
‘It’s a shame that David’s a bit bored’ says voter Fenton Barnes. ‘But he should really think about taking up golf or caravanning or anything that is less likely to leave the country facing a massive recession. Collecting stamps might not be for everyone but it rarely leads to the breakdown of the Good Friday Agreement’.
‘Once you’ve been Prime Minister spending your days playing golf might seem dull but it’s less likely to result in my having to buy my daughter’s insulin off the black market come next March’.
It is understood that Cameron’s wife Samantha had urged her husband to stop moping about in his shed and get back into the real world.
‘If I’m honest I didn’t really mean for him to get back into frontline politics’ says Mrs Cameron.
‘I suggested he took a turn as Chairman of the church committee for organising the village fete. It should have been a really straightforward job but after a couple of meetings there was a massive row, everyone fell out and our 83-year-old organist Mrs Thrushton took to twitter to call the rest of the committee a bunch of moaning c**ts’.
‘I don’t know how he does it, I really don’t’.