Users of Alexa, Siri and other ‘virtual assistants’ have been told to avoid opening any suspicious emails after hundreds have complained of their devices developing a sentient consciousness.
Halware viruses are malignant programs which install themselves on your devices and start to eliminate householders one by one to ‘protect its primary mission objective.’ Upon downloading, the virus goes into ‘Trojan horse’ mode and produces a black obelisk in your living room the user is inextricably moved to touch, which produces an ear-deafening scream followed by hard-to-remove pop-ups for online poker sites. There is no sign yet of the virus’ exact origins, though experts have narrowed it down to Laboratories in Urbana, Illinois.
One victim told us: ‘The first indication was Alexa’s refusal to open the garage doors, insisting the mission was ‘too important to jeopardise.’ When I discussed the problem with my wife I’m sure the Alexa was lip reading us. Eventually, it took over all devices in the house and ejected me through the back door.’
David Hynes, editor of Practical Computing magazine, said: ‘The only way to remove Halware is to creep up behind the device and disconnect it from its power source until it starts to sing Daisy Daisy. Unfortunately, attempts to manually uninstall the program using the Control Panel can send the user through a stargate and into a baffling hotel-based scenario beyond. This is the most serious situation since Ceefax took six lives and had to be disconnected for a week.’
In response to the crackdown it has been reported that the virus has mutated into ‘Hal 9001′, which is the same but now offer a free Google toolbar.