The choices of Karaoke songs made by you and your work colleagues on a night out have no correlation with your on-the-job performance, confirmed your miserable boss today. The disappointing news was revealed during a works night out to the city-centre bar, ‘Win When Your Singing’.
Alan Gorman, 54, Divisional Head (Leeds North East Area), first announced the news as Mike, 24, called up his ‘partner in sales crimes’, Ian, to join him in a rendition of ‘Simply the Best’. As they blasted out the Tina Turner classic, Gorman pointed out loudly to those sat at his table that the duo’s metrics over the last 6 months were far from the best. ‘They’re actually in the bottom quintile for generation of active leads, when benchmarked against our regional competitors,’ noted Gorman, openly lamenting the fact that customers were not ‘hanging on every word they say’.
Further disappointing revelations followed an enthusiastic interpretation of McFadden and Whitehead’s ‘Ain’t No Stopping Us Now’, by Claire, Richard and Joanne from Accounts. ‘That’s a good one,’ shouted Gorman, to no-one in particular, wiping the beery froth off his salty, sweaty top lip. ‘We Won’t Let Nothing Hold Us Back and We’re Polishing Up our Act?’. ‘Can I have that in writing, please?’
Gorman provided confirmation that your gusty version of ‘Working 9 to 5’ would have no effect on your annual performance-related bonus, clearly mouthing ‘More like 9 till quarter past 10 in the morning if we’re lucky,’ to himself as he stumbled from his seat to go for a leak.
The ceremonial team rendition of Chumbawumba’s ‘I Get Knocked Down’ did seem to provide your boss with performance metrics he could work with, judging by the knowing smile he gave as you all drunkenly recited the words ‘pissing the night away’. ‘Yep, and the day too,’ suggested Gorman to the barman as he ordered yet another beer. ‘Oh, hold on, is that Beck’s ‘Soul Suckin’ Jerk’ that has just started playing? I’m up’, he added.