Footballing authorities have announced that any person purporting to buy an English Premier League football club must have a track record of human rights abuse and/or financial, political corruption. In short, it is imperative that they can evidence being a proper bastard.
A spokesperson for the Premier League, who wishes not to be named, especially because he accepted an illicit backhander before agreeing to an interview, sums it up:
“The new ruling is crucial to the global economy. How else can we achieve the increased redistribution of wealth to the top one per cent proper bastards of the world? Next minute, the likes of Amazon and Apple will be expected to pay their tax bills in full”, he stated.
“And, oh, did I not mention the need to improvise the fit to work policy so we can get more disabled people back to work on shit pay?” he added.
On this basis, Mike Ashley has been warned to up his game. Sports Direct treatment of employees, in so called Dickensian work conditions, falls far short of young men dying from heart attacks when building stadiums in the desert.
Meanwhile, Ashley has reportedly rejected a bid to buy Newcastle United. The Business group claimed to be knowledgeable about the club and the North East in general. But suspicions arose when during a test, the consortium said the Angel of the North was that girl who used to be in Girls Aloud. Neither is the nickname for a person from Newcastle, a Newscaster.
It has also emerged that Nissan only agreed to stay in Sunderland on condition that David Moyes left.