World cries out for the tragic assassination of Donald Trump


Dallas has prepared a brand new grassy knoll. On the 47th floor of Trump Tower a balustrade has been carefully loosened. Presidential aides have secured carefully chosen theatre tickets and Melania has been looking for a new twinset and pearls in a colour ‘that goes really well with red and grey’ and typing ‘Greek shipping magnate’ into Tinder

All over the world, people have been speculating about the ending to the amazing tale of the reality star who became president. And a new wave of conspiracy theorists are already speculating about the shock assassination of the 45th president on Labor Day at 11am CET, and the book, film and TV rights that might result.

While Amazon, Netflix and Sky compete for the exclusive rights to the murder, TV producers agree that the tragic death should be ‘totally televisual’. One draft script has a heavy tv camera dollying towards Mr Trump, eventually catching the look in his eye as he realises it is about to crush him in a fitting end to a man made by reality TV.

Another has the bulky silhouette of Trump falling from the top of the Trump Tower while we hear the music from Mad Men. Another plots an Elvis-style on-toilet death, featuring an exotic sandwich (pork fat, peanut butter, molasses, jugged hare, wasabi, creme chantilly, dill pickles, Sean Spicer, coal) and a powerful laxative.

Less popular is the ending in which all the viewers and everyone else on the planet die as well.

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Posted: Nov 6th, 2018 by

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