Garden Bridge will include ‘dogging area’ confirms Heatherwick

A welcome from all the family

Garden Bridge designer Thomas Heatherwick has confirmed there will be a specially designated area given over to people addicted to exhibitionist sexual activity in open public places.  To start with the sex facility will only be open at night, but once it becomes notorious it is hoped the area will attract day-time doggers too.

Although the activity is more commonly associated with woodland parks and rural areas Mr. Heatherwick said the vast majority of Londoners do not own cars and it was only fair this was taken into account when planning ahead for bridge activities.  Trees, shrubs and climbing vines will be used to cordon off the area from everyday users meaning only experienced sex addicts and voyeurs will be able to spot the tell-tale signs of covert sexual activity.

A team of volunteers will be on hand to help novices with their first group-sex experience while others will be stragically placed at ‘dogging points’ along the bridge to keep an eye out for plod.  Once the facility is established, less experienced sex addicts will be able to locate the site by following the trail of disgarded condoms and crumpled up tissues while visually impaired sex addicts will be able to download the C5H11ONO app to help them find the love spot.

Bridge consultant Simone Burns says the dogging facility will be open to all sex addicts, regardless of age (legal), experience or rank…..Lords or Commons.  ‘A no-holds-barred facility in every sense of the word’ added Simone.  But critics say the dogging area will gobble up too much of the £60m taxpayer investment earmaked for the project, leaving little for park benches, drinking fountains and private parking spaces for the bridge’s Arab owners.

The bridge has already received the backing of Westminster Council and St.Paul’s Cathedral while officials at Buckingham Palace say Prince Andrew would very much like to get involved and is only a phone-call away and can be reached on rAndy@Mixxxxertheapp.

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Posted: Nov 7th, 2018 by

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