In what is being seen a deliberate attempt to provoke a military response, President Trump has imposed on Tehran strict sanctions, spoilers for ‘Game of Thrones’ and has put Ali Khamenei’s name on every spam mail list he can find. Desperate for another war in the Middle East, all Pentagon employees will try Iran’s patience by making slurping noise when drinking coffee and deliberately speaking with a nasal twang.
Explained one General: ‘Sanctions get you nowhere, or worse still lead to peace. We need an I-rate I-ran. So to this end we will be leaving the toilet seat up, without flushing, while forgetting to put out the bins every Wednesday. We intend to push all their buttons; all except the nuclear ones. We call it Operation ‘Yo Momma’s so fat’.’
Iranians have already ignored all manner of slights by the US, from the mildly annoying 1953 coup d’état, to the outrageous ‘not putting the lid back on the milk’ of 1997. Previous sanctions have included hiding the remote, not sharing the Wi-Fi password or their king-size duvet.
The General said: ‘We’ll impose sanctions on any regime – particularly ones who refuse to buy our weapons and smell of feet. And if that doesn’t get them riled up, the President is going unleash the full might of Twitter. It’s not the A-bomb they should be worried about, it’s the F-bomb, followed by passive-aggressive Emojis.’