Retailers have announced their Christmas sales predictions today, revealing that Princess Anne has a ‘strong chance’ of reaching the festive top spot for December book sales with the launch of her debut cookbook, ‘Horses for Courses’. Said to be the first of its kind, readers will be treated to wide array of equine offerings, from ‘honey-glazed hoof’ to ‘quick and easy tongue sandwiches, straight from the horse’s mouth’.
‘Despite its concerning colour and gristly texture, horse is in vogue right now’, claims retail expert and critic, Cedric Papier. ‘People are bored with dry turkey and burnt spuds: 2013 is all about taste adaptation. We’re really jumping in the saddle of innovation this year. Quite literally’.
Excited about the anticipated success of the launch, Princess Anne said today: ‘most people have retired racehorses limping around in the garden, don’t they? I’m just proving that they do have a purpose, and it’s a bloody tasty purpose, too. We all know that cooked turkey has the potential to be sandwiched well into January, well, horse meat has even more staying power: the firmness of the meat from years of galloping and whipping ensures you’ll be enjoying horsetail soup well into April’.
Claiming that the 200-page book has gone the extra furlong to cover every taste, including ‘super hot curries’ for those ‘not afraid of the trots’, Princess Anne added: ‘Rest assured I’ve covered all the culinary bases, from Horse d’oeuvres for larger gatherings, to Jam Poff and Red Rum baba for afters. Nobody will be left disappointed’.
Although tipped for festive success, Princess Anne is still set to face stiff competition from the likes of Heston Blumenthal with ‘Dry Ice Christmas’, which details how families can cook an entire Christmas dinner using solidified carbon dioxide alone, as well as Ken Hom, who expects to prove himself as a top spot contender with the launch of his own niche winter cookbook, ‘A Dog Can Just Be For Christmas’.
(Jesus H, with further ingredients supplied by many others)