Dominic Raab discovers ‘tunnel under the English Channel’

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‘If this tunnel exists, then this could be a game changer,’ Brexit Secretary Dominic Raab told a secret meeting of the cabinet last night. ‘It may sound like a story from the second world war, but the so-called tunnel has been there for some time, according to some people I’ve spoken to, and provides a direct link-up between Southern England and virtually the whole of France. Not only is it under the sea, it’s under the sea bed. That’s how secret it is.

‘Probably, if it exists, it was dug by escaped British prisoners of war helping to liberate Europe from the N word people you’re not supposed to mention. But if we did dig it during World War 2, where did we put the spoil? Clearly the earth they dug up would have been more than just a dozen trousers-full. But as far as I can see, there are no tell-tale earth mountains anywhere. Evidence of a hoax. Or rather absence of evidence.

‘I intend to go straight to the site of the entry to the ‘tunnel’ this afternoon, just to check if it exists. Mrs Raab will record Eastenders on the Betamax, so no worries there. I’m sorry security concerns mean I can’t tell you that it starts in a British town beginning with D and goes all the way to a French coastal town. Possibly Bordeaux, or Des Moines. If I find anything I’m setting aside some of the weekend to come up with ideas about how this tunnel could work in our favour, and whether we can put a frictionless border somewhere down there. Failing that, the only safe thing to do is continue keeping it a secret. When Mr Trump lets off his nuclear war planned for next summer, my guess is we can fit a good deal of the right kind of people from the South East down there, with their Brexit-no deal stockpiles of Heinz Ravioli and thermonuclear underwear.

‘One thing we can do immediately is quash the rumours. For example, I’ve seen on the internet (which Mrs Raab has let me go on again after the incident with heavythrobbers.com) that some people say that this tunnel, which is probably a hole in the ground in Kent, is ‘big enough to have trains running through it.’ I say let crazy fake news like that surface. Risky? No. Hear me out. People aren’t stupid. The crazier the rumour the less likely people are going to believe it.

‘Clearly, if it does exist and it’s big enough for a man to stand up in, the danger is after Brexit the Barnier hoards could simply pile through it, swamping southern England with Europeans demanding fruit picking jobs, strong coffee, universal credit and European sexual practices.

‘I for one doubt that is the case. But it’s my duty to go to Essex and check. If there is a tunnel there, it is crucial David Davis and Boris Johnson do not find out about it. If there isn’t a tunnel there, I wonder if we could get David and Boris to believe there is a tunnel. They’d emerge from their silence and go round threatening everyone with invasion by Mrs Merkel’s Panzer divisions, and we could then expose them as the charlatons they obviously are.

‘I mean trains. I ask you. How would you keep that secret?’

Hat tip Sinnick

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Posted: Nov 10th, 2018 by

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