God to appear in a vision and warn cinemagoers to turn off their mobile phones

Coming to a church near you

After the failure of the Christianity campaign to advertise in cinemas, the Lord thy God will appear in a vision in selected cinemas to promote blessed popcorn, 2 for 1 baptisms and holy Fanta.

At a Wardour Street the Almighty told media journalists ‘When the agency approached me I told them I was perfectly capable of appearing in Person in cinemas; without the aid of the projectionist or teams of expensive creatives in frankly ridiculous jackets. I could just show up at a movie in 3D, say nice stuff about heaven and how it’s better to be good to each other, then just say ‘enjoy the movie!’ and disappear’.

He continued: ‘But the Ad-men realised that without their input they wouldn’t get paid, and of course then they were all brimming with ideas for commercials about me. Or Me, I should say. So I humoured them. It was a free will thing. (I was going to do a gag about Free Willy there. Did you see that movie? Dreadful)’

The Lord speaketh unto the conference a little bit more: ‘I have no argument with those who make rules saying ‘no religious advertising in the cinema.’ I started the whole rule thing off. You want rulemaking try Leviticus. ‘Ye shall not round the corners of your heads.’ Me neither.’

‘But boy, it meant meeting after meeting, lunch after lunch, presentation after presentation. I never want to see another flip chart as long as I live. Which is going some, as you know. And I can’t tell you the number of times advertising types took me to one side over the coffee to say ‘I’m really more suited to movies than commercials and I have a great script I’d like you to read and grant an Oscar to. A lot of them have beards now. As if a beard would impress me! All the main guys I dealt with had beards! Abraham, Moses, Lord Sugar…’

‘So, basically in randomly selected theaters I will appear instead of the VW ad that points out truth is better than fiction so buy the car that saves you in car chases. I can’t believe it’s still going after those VW guys were caught, but hey – that’s just Free Willy kicking in.’

‘I mean, did anyone buy the idea that an Orca Whale…oh never mind. Where was I? Oh yes….’

‘And in participating cinemas I will do some ‘turn off your mobile phone and do unto your neighour’ type stuff, then I’m out of there and everyone can see the new Star Wars. I’ve seen it by the way. It stinks.’

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Posted: Nov 13th, 2018 by

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