Planet Earth expresses relief at falling fertility rates

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Responding to reports of falling fertility rates across the human population, Planet Earth said it was “overjoyed and relieved” at the news, adding that it was “long overdue.”
“Out of all of my tenants, humans are easily the worst,” lamented the planet. “I mean, they’re everywhere!! There used to only be a few of them not so long ago but then they bred like rabbits, except instead of leaving a few droppings around they throw plastic shit into the oceans, cut down the forests and basically take whatever they can get their hands on.”
Planet Earth pointed to complaints from other tenants as reason for his pleasure at the problem facing Homo sapiens. “Snow leopards, elephants, whales, they’ve all given me grief about their loss of habitat and choking on the crap the humans leave behind. All I ask as Landlord is that the tenants are respectful to their neighbours and leave the place in a good state, but they couldn’t help themselves. So all in all I’m pretty pleased they’re on the way out, and what makes it even better, it sounds like they’re fed up with each other if they can’t be bothered to reproduce anymore!!”
Planet Earth informed reporters that other measures are being considered to help them exit the planet. “We’ve got some plans up our sleeve. Earthquakes, floods, that kind of thing. They pretty useless at dealing with those. Or I could just leave it up to them to kill themselves off in something they call war. They’re certainly stupid enough. You won’t catch me shedding a tear.”

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Posted: Nov 13th, 2018 by

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