Theresa May’s cabinet have been embroiled in all-night negotiations this week to submit the final design for the new cabinet room sofa before the DFS Christmas deadline.
A Junior Minister for Soft Furnishings explained, “Everyone wants something different. The PM’s trying to push through an all-in-one sofa, in a chequer style, but some want a three-seater with a separate armchair in blue with gold stars and the fourth seat in two-tone green. It’s a frigging nightmare.”
“The comfort of the sofa is driving a huge wedge in the cabinet: is it to be hard; like a brick wall, or soft; like the old one? In which case why are we ordering a new one?”
“And don’t get me started on whether the fourth seat, detached or not, is going to have an adjustable reclining frictionless backstop. I’m sick of hearing about it.”
“They’ve got hours left to avoid missing the DFS deadline or they won’t get it before Christmas, and they really want it before so they can kickback and enjoy the Christmas party. Sir Elton’s given them tickets to a show on his ‘Farewell To Farewells’ farewell tour, and they’re all bedside themselves with giddiness at the prospect.”
“One thing they do unanimously agree on though, is that it should be covered in spikes to stop Boris shagging it.”