‘Home Bargains Guard’ remain on standby for no-deal Brexit


Tobias Ellwood from the Ministry of Defence has admitted the army are to be placed on standby to ensure supermarkets and shops remain full of goods in the event of a ‘no-deal’ Brexit apocalyptic consumer wasteland.

However, as the armed forces been whittled down to a marching band and dog display team the government are to draft in an army of redundant high-street shop workers to bolster soldiers’ numbers.

Chief of the Defence Staff General Sir Nick Carter explained, “The government can’t allow the ‘free-for-all’ behaviour seen in supermarkets when the first snowflake of winter falls. A coherent logistic strategy needs to be in place to get Little Johnny Foulmouth his Hovis if Brexit shoots itself in the foot.”

“We’d gladly do the job on our own, but with numbers being slashed daily we have to recruit Freddie Fourpack and Sally Eyebrows, and they’ll need training. We can’t expect a member of the great unwashed to engage in a role that was once their profession without basic military training, can we? How can one expect them to hold a pricing gun when they can barely hold a real one?”

It’s understood the ‘Home Bargains Guard’ would be expected to ensure the flow of consumables and fuel using old retail distribution vehicles known as Phillip Green Goddesses, while a ‘Pharmy Army’ of specially already-qualified medical staff will distribute medicines. The PM has yet to sanction the post-Brexit civilian deployment of the army at her local Waitrose, marching up and down in their great big shiny boots.

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Posted: Nov 15th, 2018 by

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