Following the resignations of several pro-Leave government ministers as the Government’s Brexit plans head for a meltdown, Environment Secretary Michael Gove has decided to remain in the cabinet to ‘wave his willy’.
It was Gove’s wife, the Daily Mail columnist Sarah Vine, who had said on the BBC’s Marr programme that male cabinet members should stop shouting, screaming and “waving their willies around” as Theresa May tries to secure a Brexit deal.
An anonymous source close to Michael Gove said, “He came home all hot and bothered, wondering what he should do. He said the biggest willy-waver in the cabinet, Dominic Raab had resigned along with Esther McVey, who was quite happy to encourage other cabinet members to do a spot of ‘waving’ when she wasn’t misleading parliament or inflicting hardship on people on low incomes”.
It seems that Ms Vine quoted Margaret Thatcher to her husband. Thatcher had famously said that “every prime minister needs a Willie”, and it was at this point, and after seriously considering his chances of taking over the Prime Minister’s job, that Michael decided he must stay on to ensure that Theresa May would have the willy she needed. It would be his duty to wave his around willy-nilly in a supportive, but at the same time in a backstabbing kind of way.
It has been reported that several previous cabinet members were well-practised willy-wavers. David Davis, wasn’t really a waver, but he was just too bone idle to put his willy away; Damien Green preferred to wave his at a computer screen, and Boris Johnson waved his about so much that he was required by the Cabinet Secretary, on more than one occasion, to have a private consultation with Dr Liam Fox about the dangers of STD transmission.
Asked what she thought about her husband’s decision in light of her objections to willy-waving, Ms Vine stated: “To be quite honest, I don’t really care what Michael gets up to a work, as long as he doesn’t wave his around at home in front of the Romanian cleaner; they are so hard to replace these days”.