The current London Mayor, Sadiq Khan, has managed to recover £11,000 in scrap value for an obsolete Foreign Secretary – made from saturated fat, fuzzy-felt and Remainer tears. The broken remains of Boris Johnson will be symbolically towed up the Thames, past non-garden bridges, to be melted down and upcycled into a Victorian spittoon.
Originally purchased for £320,000, Mr. Johnson was intended as crowd-control weapon, capable of ejaculating over dozens of unmarried women. The ‘Johnson canon’ could unleash a torrent of spurious facts and Latin vocab, all while making a noise similar to a deflating Billy Bunter.
Sadly Boris was purchased before a license was obtained for his use, which would have required a rabies jab, a muzzle and a much needed neutering. Subsequently Mr. Johnson has sat in a reclamation yard, alongside one ‘soiled’ red bus and a tangled zip wire.
The use of Boris in riot situations was restricted in 2015 and could only be used in Referendum pie-fights. Any proceeds from the sale of Boris will go to support hundreds of London’s disenfranchised youngsters – at least until Boris starts paying their child support.