An archeological find has shed new light on Britain’s historic break with the Church of Rome, showing that many felt a second vote was justified in the light of new information about the possible consequences. “Leavers like Cardinal Wolsey made it sound so easy,” said leading Remainer Sir Thomas More. “We’d simply sign a bit of paper, then the King could get his leg over whoever he liked.”
“Now we know we’re all going to be excommunicated and burn in hell for all eternity, even if we’re not tortured to death by the Inquisition first. And the exchange rate between groats and florins won’t exactly be great either.” In addition, More reminded the King that he had once been a staunch Remainer himself, producing as evidence an engraving showing him being declared “Defender of the Faith” by Pope Leo X.
Calls for a second vote were taken up by influential preacher James O’Brien of the London Biblical Church. However, William Tyndale of the Leave campaign complained of irregularities in the election process, specifically the fact that anyone found in possession of his campaigning materials was burned alive as a heretic, which he claimed might have influenced the vote just a tad. A further document claiming to set out the opinions of a Mr Jacob Reese-Mogge has been dismissed by historians as a fraud, since the language used is archaic even by Tudor standards. “Our best guess is, this Reese-Mogge is a deliberately absurd character Chaucer invented for the Canterbury Tales, but then wisely decided to leave out.”
Also discovered was a Vatican internal memorandum showing the Pope was concerned the Church’s reputation had been damaged by the so-called Children’s Crusade, in which up to 30,000 children set out for the Holy Land but were betrayed and sold into slavery. “People need to realise, it was just a few bad apples,” he said. “Generally speaking, entrusting your children to Catholic priests is perfectly safe.”