Shale gas extractors Caudrilla have halted earthquaking in Lancashire after a tremor exposed an enormous chamber containing a bone-china army of 8000 life-size Jacob Rees-Moggs.
Geologist Derek McLean explained, “The chamber I explored was vast, filled with lifeless statues of Jacob. I took a close look at one, it was lovingly preserved and dressed in the finest ill-fitting nineteenth century livery and top hat. Its skin was porcelain white, fragile and delicate like the finest bone-china, then it cleared its throat and I nearly followed-through. And as one, they muttered, ‘Coup is a very silly word’.”
Further examinations discovered the whitewash warriors were being fed an intravenous cocktail of vitamins and viagra in a highly concentrated solution of folic acid, being catatonic but in a state of ‘special chimney-sweeping’ readiness.
Amid the suits of armour and gilded chamber pots, each dickensian Don Juan was ‘armed’ with a smartphone with social media accounts, Mrs Miggins’ Tea Shop loyalty card, a hip-flask full of bio-viagric yoghurt, a guinea and enough anti-depressants to encourage a herd of bison to can-can.
Some of the porcelain parliamentarians were seated to appease gout, but all faced a slimline elevated throne which betrayed signs of recent use. A Tory HQ insider admitted, “The Jacobs were an insurance policy to recolonise the electorate with a new generation of conservatism.”
“In the event of the UK not leaving the European Union or the election of a genuinely effective Labour leader, the leather-soled letharios would rise to conquer socialism, evolution, rational thinking, all unattached females, then take supper.”
The Jacobs are to be housed in camps until the fruit-picking season begins. Fracking has been suspended indefinitely.