It has been announced that the turkey traditionally pardoned yesterday by President Trump, has taken its own life by leaping into an blisteringly hot oven in a kitchen at The White House.
Speaking about the incident wildlife expert, Shay Murphy, told reporters: ‘At first we were surprised that the bird took such a drastic course of action. That was until we found the suicide note it left, in which it explained death was preferable to living in an America where Donald Trump was in charge.’
‘My fellow Americans…’ said the late bird, ‘it was bad enough to have been forced to be part of a sham publicity stunt but I figured, OK, you’re not going to be butchered for the gratification of some family of lard-arsed idiots, and if you can dodge Christmas too, then who knows?
However when I realised that the US President was actually Donald Trump and this wasn’t some kind of sick joke my buddies in the pen were playing on me, I knew that I could no longer live any kind of meaningful life. The shame of having to interact with that moron in front of the world’s media was the final straw. How ironic, eh?
If you find this note then it means I will have succeeded in ending my life. I didn’t want it to be this way, but I hope the nation understands and forgives me. God Bless America!