Celebrity Big Brother contestant Theresa May revealed her innermost thoughts in the Diary Room today, when she realised she is totally incompetent at everything, her whole life has been a complete failure and nobody likes her.
‘Big Brother, I try to project this confident image as if I know what I’m doing, but deep down I know I’m a shallow sanctimonious fraud like every other politician,’ she sobbed.
‘Theresa, do you feel you are being ganged up against all the time?’ asked Big Brother.
“Yes, especially by that anachronistic four-eyed freak Jacob Rees-Mogg. To use a Dad’s Army analogy, he is a stupid boy and I’m surprised he doesn’t send his Nanny to represent him in Parliament. People in North Somerset really are inbred stupid God-fearing peasants to vote him in. All the Tory posh boys are the same, wanting to return to the days of the British Empire. Talking shite in their posh accents and Latin but not having a clue about how to achieve anything worthwhile. Eton should be shut down and demolished and I am pledging that for the next Tory manifesto. Phew, it feels much better now I’ve got that off my chest. For once in my life I have said exactly what I think.”
‘What are you going to do next Theresa?’
‘Well, since everyone in the House of Commons thinks my Brexit deal is Brexshit, I am going to divide my time between going up and down the country and back and forth to Brussels waffling bollocks for a while until I get defeated in the meaningless vote. Frankly, putting a Remainer like me in charge of Brexit is the most stupid idea in the history of humanity, so obviously I’m gonna deliberately fuck it up aren’t I?’
‘Theresa, was that really the plan all along? I thought you were more strong and stable than that.’