[Triumphal music and fanfares as Theresa May and her Cabinet ride coconuts into the scene outside the walls of the European Commission]
May: Halt! Hello! Hello!
Barnier: ‘Allo! Who is zis?
May: It is Prime Minister May, and these are my divided hapless jesters of the cabinet table at Number Ten of Downing Street, London. Whose Commission is this?
Barnier: Zis is the Commission of my elected master and mistresses of the European Union!
May: Go and tell your masters and mistresses that we have been charged by God – you may know him as Nigel – with a sacred quest. If they will give us a trade deal, they can join us in our quest for the closest possible cooperation and alignment, even though we’re dumping you. Any chance of some cake?
Barnier: Well, I’ll ask them, but I don’t think they’ll be very keen. Uh, they say you already got a trade deal, you see?
Barclay the Knight for Brexit: He says we’ve already got one!
May: Are you sure we’ve got one?
Barnier: Oh, yes, it’s very nice-a
[Barnier aside to Juncker: ‘I told her zey already got one!’ Juncker sniggers and has a glass of wine]
May: Well, um, can we come up and negotiate another one?
Barnier: Of course not. You are English types-a. Not sensible Scottish or Irish Remainer types, eh.
May: Well, what are you then?
Barnier: I’m European! Why do think you have stereotypically caricatured me with this outrageous accent, you silly Prime Minister!
Barclay the Knight for Brexit: What are you doing in England?
Barnier: This is not England, it’s Brussels. Did you inherit your geographical knowledge from Raab as well as your job? You came here with freedom of movement using your lovely passport rouge, n’est ce pas?
May: If you will not give us another trade deal that we can have and eat, we shall take your Commission by force!
Barnier: You don’t frighten us, English cabinet makers! Go and boil your bottoms, sons of a silly person called Boris. I blow my nose at you, so-called Theresa Prime Minister, you and all your silly English jesters of the Cabinet roundtable.
Barclay the Knight for Brexit: What a strange person.
May: Now look here, my good man!
Barnier: I don’t want to talk to you no more, you empty food-shop shelf-wiper! I issue Regulations in your general direction! Your father was a gammon and your mother smelt of kippers.
Barclay the Knight for Brexit: Is there someone else up there we could talk to?
Barnier: No, now go away or I shall taunt you a second time-a!
May: Now, this is your last chance. I’ve been more than reasonable….
Barnier: Fetchez l’addition!
Barnier: Fetchez l’addition!
May: If you do not agree to my demands, then I shall … I shall …
Barnier: Ah, this one is for your Nigel Farage and his misspent public funds!
[Barnier launches a bill for €39 billion over castle walls]
Whole cabinet: Run away! Run away!
Barnier: Yes, depart the Single Market a lot this time and don’t come around here no more with your knees-bent, Schengen Agreement-avoiding behaviour. You tiny-brained lickers of tax-dodging billionaires’ bottoms.
Barclay the Knight for Brexit: Fiends! I’ll tear them apart, then walk away without a deal and blame them.
Hammond: Would it confuse them more if we just pretended none of this ever happened?
May: Shut up. And go and change your armour.
Hunt: Ma’am! I have a plan, but first, let me compare them to a totalitarian Communist state to appeal to the populists back home and show them we mean business.
[Subtitle ‘Later. Probably about March 28th’. Sounds of chopping and sawing, then rumbling and squeaking as the knights wheel a Trojan rabbit up to castle gates]
Muttering EU officials: C’est un lapin, lapin de bois. Quoi? Un cadeau. What? A present. Oh, un cadeau. Oui, oui. Hurry. What? Let’s go. Oh. On y va. Bon mange. Over here…
May: What happens now?
Hunt: Well, now you, Barclay and I wait until nightfall, and then leap out of the wooden rabbit, taking the Commission by surprise, grasping any deal we can muster, however bad it might be!
May: Oh, and what do we do if the deal is ridiculed by everyone when we get home? How will we get it through Parliament?
Hunt: Well, we all go back to Parliament and tell them what a great deal we have negotiated and how wonderful it will be for uniting the Kingdom after a period of so much division created entirely by these awful European fiends. That’s providing we forget about Scotland and Northern Ireland, of course. And hey, best not to mention the wooden rabbit, eh guys? Then if that fails, we’ll do what Cameron, Johnson, Davis, McVey, Raab, Farage and the rest did and just run away! Run away! Run away! Run away!