Donald Trump has been rushed to hospital in Washington to undergo emergency pioneering ‘own ass extraction surgery’. It’s understood he was taken ill in the Oval Office when drafting a raft of executive orders against some people who mildly disagree with him. Medics were called and Mr Trump was rushed to St Olaf’s Medical Centre, Washington DC.
Paramedic, Josh Clifford, first on the scene, described what he and his colleagues saw: ‘President Trump looked in a pretty bad way but we revived him by whispering the word ‘no’ in his ear which had the desired effect. He immediately leapt up and started shouting Whaddayah mean ‘NO’! I’m right. FACT. I’m the best goddamn leader the free world has ever had – TRUE. The word NO does not exist – FAKE WORD!’ We were taken aback by the force of his reaction and feared that he might have a coronary incident there and then, so we gave him a quick shot to tranquilise him and took him to the hospital.’
It is understood Mr Trump is currently in a coma but doctors are playing tape loops of his boot-licking yes men and assorted flunkies saying ‘Yes Mr President, sir’, and ‘Hail to the Chief, sir’ which appear to be keeping him in a comfortable condition. His bedside is surrounded by cardboard cutouts and portraits of himself and if his condition stabilises ahead of the operation then it is expected that his son, Don Jnr, daughter Ivanka and The First Lady may also be allowed into his room to keep vigil.
However, it remains a very tense time for the Trump family and indeed the wider world because ‘own ass extraction surgery’ has only been attempted once with somewhat limited success. Pioneering surgeon, Professor David Wilkins carried out the first operation on Jeremy Clarkson last year in an nine-hour session at Guy’s Hospital. Unfortunately, Clarkson, still widely regarded by many as a self-aggrandising pillock, has only shown signs of humility on two occasions since, so the operation by no means provides a certain cure. And experts are saying that compared to Clarkson, President Trump is now so far up his own ass that no surgeon, no matter how gifted, will ever be able to get him out.