The European Space Agency has launched the first in a series of 400 low-orbit surveillance satellites commissioned by online parenting group Mumsnet, after a year’s delay caused by ‘Project Pigsty’. Featuring enhanced definition capable of spotting a dewdrop dangling from an unwiped nostril through thick cloud and an even thicker school coat hood, the system will operate throughout childhood and be optional for adulthood, though there may be occasions during the teenage years when it will briefly ‘look away’.
Mumsnet spokesperson Amanda Harris said: ‘When mapping the trajectories and orbits for the satellites we discovered what an absolute mess space is. Everyone going there has had no consideration for anyone else going after them and scattered their rubbish without a care in the world, or indeed out of it. It looked like it was left for muggins to clear up, so muggins did. It took a year to modify a Dyson for space debris retrieval, but now you can eat your dinner off space, although we would never advocate that, not without washing hands first, and we’ll now know if you have.’
Hat tip Sir Lupus