TV Brexit debate to feature eating of kangaroos’ penises

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Prime Minister Theresa May has announced she has made an ‘historic’ deal with ITV to screen the forthcoming EU debate, with only minimal concessions to the eating of kangaroos’ penises by speakers during the show. The PM, who until recently opposed the consuming of penises during political interviews, described the proposed debate, in which the main party leaders will answer a series of no-holds-barred questions from an assembled audience while Declan Donnelly stuffs scorpions in their mouth, as ‘the best possible deal’.

ITV-sceptics from Mrs May’s own party have not been won over by the move, insisting that a tougher line with the TV bosses would have easily secured Robert Peston gently probing guests on EU matters while holding a basket of kittens. However, media watchers have commented that there was never really any chance of the channel softening its line on the mandatory use of Ant and Dec on the basis that other shows would also demand exemption from the Geordie duo, leading to ‘chaos’ across the TV schedules.

On the Labour side, Jeremy Corbyn has expressed his enthusiasm for the debate, announcing he will ‘stamp on or ingest any number of indigenous animals at any time or place’ in order to oppose austerity, though critics have highlighted his earlier claim that ‘I will never support the stamping on or ingesting of any indigenous animals during jungle-based political debates’ from before when he became party leader. Labour itself denies being split on the issue, with its official position that such a debate must include six tests, five of which involve being attacked by ants.

Other commentators have opposed the proposal’s narrow format, claiming that ‘the British people deserve to hear speakers from across the political spectrum representing the full breadth of EU opinion while standing in tanks of small crocodiles’. However, Cabinet ministers have argued that while not everyone got what they wanted, the public should focus on the positive, and that the most important thing for the people of Britain was achieving an end to the free movement of Ant McPartlin.

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Posted: Dec 1st, 2018 by

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