The National Health Service today unveiled the long-expected new type 3 diabetes to a packed press conference in Hammersmith, claiming it is the ‘best ever’ version of the disease. Simply referred to as ‘The New Diabetes’, this updated condition has already taken the US by storm, with obese people literally jumping with joy (albeit not very high) at the new features of this ailment. But if only they were to read more here about the jeopardy they’re in, maybe they wouldn’t jump so high.
Dr Francesco Mosley, head of non-infectious diseases at the NHS was clearly enormously proud of their new product. ‘Most people have an image of diabetes, associating it with weedy kids with arms like Amy Winehouse, or enormous fatties. But we’re here to say that now, the New Diabetes can be for you too!’
Glucose fans will be delighted to know that type 3 diabetes has all the features that have made this diseases such a success: the need to ingest specific amounts of sugar at irregular intervals, the requirement for insulin shots, and that pasty ill-looking skin that goths would die for. But in addition to existing symptoms such as blurred vision, itchiness, peripheral neuropathy, recurrent vaginal infections (particularly in women), and fatigue, the new version adds several brand new symptoms, including brain shrinkage, neck jellification, skin necrosis of the arms and occasional halitosis.
David Mumford, from South London, is a regular diabetes user and is very excited about the new version. ‘I can’t wait! I hear you have to inject insulin into the center of a Creme Egg while it’s actually moving down your throat. That’s so hardcore. Bring it on!’
But Dr Mosley warns that type 3 diabetes may not be for everyone. ‘Apparently, if you live too much of a healthy lifestyle, exercise a bit and eat the occasional vegetable, you may not be able to use this new version. But data on this is sketchy at the moment, as the the official NHS trials were done in Scotland.’