The British Standards Authority has confirmed that it will be issuing a new standard this week to codify what is meant by ‘all set for Christmas.’ ‘It’s been a bone of contention for years,’ admitted a spokesman for the authority, ‘with some people only meaning they’ve ordered the turkey online, with others suggesting it involves buying, wrapping and delivering all the presents, the wife’s excepted, of course,’ he added.
The new standard insists that having sprouts boiling for less than four weeks is against the new standard, as is failing to procure a decent single malt at least two weeks before Christmas Eve. ‘Too many people put out a mediocre spirit on Christmas Eve because they’ve forgotten to shop early – no wonder they can’t sleep,’ said the spokesman. Christmas cards have to be sent to people you know at least by the end of the first week in December, with the remainder sent to people you don’t actually give a shit about having to be sent by December 15th at the latest.
‘The new standard is more rigorous than the European EN standard being drafted by Brussels, apart from some articles involving Gluhwein, whatever that is’ said the spokesman. ‘If it wasn’t for Brexit we’d put it in,’ he said. ‘If there’s any serious objections we could put it to a public vote, I suppose.’