ITV to drop all pretence with ‘Britain’s Got Freaks’

there probably won't be a second round

As the ratings battle for television talent shows continues to rage, ITV is set to steal a march on its competitors with what it hails as the ultimate point-and-laugh viewing experience: ‘Britain’s Got Freaks.’

‘For years broadcasters have skirted around the issue of presenting the nation’s less attractive members to their audience,’ said ITV’s Commissioning Controller for Entertainment, Nigel Stockbridge-Wright. ‘For too long, so-called talent shows have been wrapped in a politically correct veneer of all-embracing sympathy, understanding and inclusion. But with BGF what you see is what you get – overweight and lank-haired losers being laughed at by a panel of beautiful and successful people.’

‘The gloves are off,’ he continued. ‘Today’s viewing public don’t care if a contestant’s unemployed Asperger’s Syndrome granny’s dying wish is to see them make the big time, we just want fatter, poorer and less attractive people than us humiliating themselves live on stage – it’s the ultimate in feelgood television. And if it turns out they can actually sing – well that just somehow adds to the freakishness doesn’t it?’

In a ratings war that looks to be more ruthless than the current ‘Britain’s Got Talent’ versus ’The Voice’ campaign, the BBC has responded by announcing a brand new show, ‘I’m A Celebrity Who Couldn’t Dance If My Life Depended On It’. ‘You want the spectacle of a Z-list soap star lumbering around like a shaved monkey at a roller disco? You’ve got it!’ exclaimed BBC One controller Danny Cohen. ‘You think Anne Widdecombe was bad, wait till you see who we’ve got lined up – they’ll make Stephen Hawking look like Wayne Sleep.’

Responding to criticism that BGF is nothing short of an exploitative populist circus sideshow, Stockbridge-Wright remains defiant. ‘It’s time to be honest with ourselves – we love to have a laugh at the expense of others, especially if they’ve been hit by the ugly stick. In fact we predict that one of the most popular aspects of the show will be the ugly stick round. 30 seconds and a rounders bat – sounds like a winner to me.’

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Posted: Dec 4th, 2018 by

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