As a glut of Tory MPs indulge in Food Bank selfies, many have questioned the efficacy of posing next to a bag of spinach, while those you have forced into starvation say ‘cheese’. Even an inanimate sack of dried lentils would feel an ethical twinge with that kind of optic.
Complained a tub of legumes: ‘Oatmeal may be nutrient-dense, but oatmeal is not so dense as to use a humanitarian crisis as a photo op. Likewise, your average bag of brown rice only appears sentient in comparison to the average MP.’
Explained the Minister: ‘If I feel I’ve made a contribution – not of actual food – but by making more people hungry, then my job as a ‘poverty creator’ is complete. Oh, is that a biscuit? I love a hobknob. Is anyone eating that? Do you mind if I…?’
One particular can of Spam, who served with the RAF in WW2, was told he would be appearing with some mung beans, only to discover himself next to Claire Perry. ‘I’m not standing next to that reconstituted lump of gelatinous meat,’ said the Spam.