The long-term viability of genetically-modified (GM) crops has been called into question, after members of an anti-GM group were viciously assaulted by roaming wheat columns larger than a double-decker bus.
Protestors broke into the Hertfordshire field where the feisty crop is being grown with the intention of uprooting it and setting it alight, but their plans were thwarted when several bundles of wheat proved to be aggressively self-aware.
‘The GM wheat reacted badly to being stamped on while trying to self-pollinate,’ said anti-GM activist Tom Davis . ‘It completely refused to recognise our right to protest against its existence, and instead lassoed several of my co-activists and hurled them into a neighbouring non-GM field, which puts everybody at risk of cross-contamination.’ Davis himself has been offered counselling after a gang of wheat forced his legs apart and attempted to re-enact an horrific scene from the 1981 agricultural horror movie Evil Dead.
Boffins at callous GM corporation Rothamsted Research, which developed the aggressive wheat, put the crop’s reaction down to ‘high spirits’. A spokesman said: ‘Our scientists agree that a tendency to commit gang rape is a price worth paying to combat the possibility of famine caused by aphids. This is a major scientific advance for us – in addition to aphids, our wheat has become resistant to hippies.’
This morning, however, the wheat field appeared to be in a conciliatory mood. Self-appointed ‘Leader of the Bundles’, Wheat McWheat, appeared to hold out a stalk to protestors, inviting those with lingering concerns over its safety to sit down and talk about them. McWheat blamed the violence on a minority of anti-social scaly protective casings known as ‘chaffs’.
Problems have beset GM wheat trials from the outset. The first reported setback came in 1999, when a bowl of Weetabix in Reading objected to having milk poured on it and unexpectedly slapped schoolgirl Sarah Merson, 12. The latest attacks follow an earlier incident in which terrified staff at an Aldershot branch of Sainsbury’s were cornered in the cereals aisle and beaten to a pulp by a violent gang of boxes of Shreddies.
Still angry over his ordeal, meanwhile, protestor Davis insisted he was in no mood for talking and that sitting down was a practical impossibility. He then warned the wheat he would have his revenge, adding: ‘I could have it for breakfast, you know.’