Elf on the Shelf f$cked your cat


What started as a cute Christmas tradition documenting the nocturnal shenanigans of a festive Imp, has now spiralled into debauchery, missing underwear and one decapitated garden gnome. To make matters worse, the elf has now been caught in flagrante delicto – balls-deep in ‘Missy’ the cat.

On the 1st of December things went quickly from bad to worse, when small footprints were found coming out of the neighbour’s ransacked shed, where someone had soaked their garden furniture in kerosene. Later it would become clear that these events were connected with half a bottle of cooking sherry going missing and that someone had shaved the dog’s anus.

Dustbins were regularly over-turned, car-keys were hidden and someone was using the sock drawer to throw-up in. The raisins found on the kitchen work surface were anything but raisins; while the sprinkles of festive snow were ‘Columbian in origin’.

Sadly, for the children, the magic of waking to a new Xmas tableaux was ruined by the fact that someone had ripped out Teddy’s stuffing and melted the Sylvanian family with a blow torch. Subsequently the Elf has been moved from the shelf to the naughty step, while the cat has been warned to steer clear of his ‘candy cane delight’ and bursting festive sack.

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Posted: Dec 8th, 2018 by

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