Rees-Mogg to bring ‘a touch of Christmas cheer’ to soup kitchens


The Right Honourable Member of Parliament for The Dark Ages, Jacob Rees-Mogg, who has been rather quiet since his recent ill-conceived and failed efforts to topple Theresa May, is back again in the limelight to promote a Christmas pop-up dining opportunity in an attempt to give soup kitchens a more seasonal feel.

Speaking to reporters he said: ‘In this this most joyous of seasons, Yuletide, I am most pleas’d to announce we have managed to secure a supply of the most splendidly toothsome pigs heads. Therefore let it be known that it is our intention to make these available to the poor and needy via th’most excellent soup kitchens of our land, wherein for a small percentage of their weekly state benefits, let us say 85% in this case, the aforementioned paupers and n’er-do-wells can avail themselves of a nutritious and wholesome luncheon on Christmas Day.’

However critics of the plan, apparently dreamt up with the help of Iain Duncan Smith and Esther McVey, both involved as highly paid expert consultants, have been quick to lambaste it as being ‘totally out of touch’ and ‘ramming toffee-nosed privilege down the throats of society’s disadvantaged.’

Indeed the scheme has met with almost universal condemnation, with perhaps only one notable but not entirely unexpected exception – Boris Johnson.

Interviewed on Marr he said: ‘ Oh I say. Piggy-wiggy!  Hurrah and yum-yum-yum! You know,  I take my hat off to Jacob, Esther and Iain. This is a splendid initiative. It shows that deep down Conservatives are the party of the poor, the party of the downtrodden, but of course above all else… the party of the true spirit of Christmas. God bless us, every one.’

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Posted: Dec 10th, 2018 by

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