Having thrown the ring into the Cracks of Doom, the 1922 Committee was shocked to discover that the Prime Minister has all the tenacity of a hangnail. Even with over 100 of her own MPs voting against her, Mrs May refused to lie down; despite a stake to the heart, a silver bullet to the brain and having had a Kansas farm house dropped on top of her.
A close friend confided: ‘She’s pretty much immune to salt, verucca cream and the concept of rythmic dancing. Yes, she’s agreed not to fight the next General Election, although to be honest she didn’t really fight the last one’.
Lamented one rebel MP: ‘We tried everything; garlic, antibiotics, we even tried switching all the lights off and hiding behind the sofa. She’s just like Dr Who; she goes to the EU and keeps regenerating as a shittier version of her former self’.
So with Rasputin or smoke alarms, Mrs May also does not know when to die. Said one Minister: ‘We don’t need a vote of confidence, we need an exorcism’.