Politics has said sorry to the nation for accidentally becoming interesting. ‘We cherish our reputation as ‘show business for ugly people’ said Politics, ‘and we want to protect our long held capacity to bore the pants off the electorate then quietly shaft them up the arse, without them noticing. We want to return to those days, so people can concentrate on the important things in our community like Strictly Come Dancing and B list celebrities abroad being forced to eat insects.’
The statement came after a terse vote among mostly grey men with ties. They voted by a slim margin for politics to remain interesting until 2022, if not beyond. Politics said: ‘Today we have bonkers toffs, Machiavellian weasels, people who smile and lie about how they voted in secrecy, a paralysed looking mini-Santa in a parka who could bring the House down at any time but doesn’t, and a horrible little Nazi man with a false name, as well as a frail looking grinning woman on death row whose sentence keeps getting commuted.’
Politics continued: This level of interesting cannot continue and we are exploring all the options with our European partners to get back to the good old days when nobody gave a shit and we could do what we liked to each other and to our paid staff who work so hard behind the scenes. And we are grateful that they are soldiering on through the crisis and that they don’t make a fuss about what happened in the office last Tuesday, have you mended that broken chair by the way and been to the doctors and the dry cleaners?
Reporters laughed as Politics explained that the current interestingness is not just a British phenomenon. ‘Across the pond we have the Blond Sopranos. (New Episode coming soon: ‘Jailtime for stool pigeon’) The Blond Sopranos play out to a grateful audience who show no signs of tiring of shooting each other in their spare time as part of the new politics. In Eastern Europe we have some really sharp looking military uniforms taking the fashion pages by storm trooper. And in the Philippines, I think it is, you have a president who makes no bones about being a serial killer, as victims’ bones are dug up around his country. Compared to them, we British politicians are still not that interesting.’
One benefactor of the interestingness is the canned food industry, whose productivity has soared thanks to the growth of foodbanks and the government advice that everyone should stockpile canned goods in case of crashing out of the EU, or Mr Putin smearing goodness knows what on housewives’ knockers across the country. Most canned goods have use by dates in 2022, as do our interesting politicians.