Ministers were quick to clarify that the Christmas queues for hospital admission, were caused by the draw of resort-like facilities, the mortuary’s ever-popular Santa’s grotto and the fact that rickets is still in vogue. Branding buildings as ‘overcrowded’ failed to take into account that facilities are smaller now, while patients are noticeably fatter.
If anything, the jammed waiting rooms were a tribute to the NHS’ fashionable vibe and are a great way to preserve body heat. From now on the funding ‘gap’ will be referred to as a ‘fiscal hiatus’ and the nursing ‘shortage’ will simply be called vertically-challenged.
A Health official explained: ‘Doctors say that over-crowding is now in the ‘red zone’, but I say we’re just getting into the ‘fun zone’. Elbow-to-elbow, fit to bust – this is more like Glastonbury but with more dementia and slightly less chlamydia’.
This new-found popularity does come at a cost, with many patients having to book their beds in advance of getting ill. Said one prospective ‘customer’, in a tent outside their local A&E ward: ‘I’m planning to have diaphragmatic hernia sometime in 2021, so it made sense to start camping now. And if I get pneumonia in the process, well I’m in the right place aren’t I?’